Your Changing Role As A Parent

What Parents Can Expect: On Your Mark!

Nancy’s questions exemplify the confusion that parents can face when their child enters the teen years. As you parented your elementary school student, you became comfortable with managing much of your child’s life. In fact, managing was an important and appropriate way to ensure safety and teach your child about the world. Now, you must shift your thinking as your middle schooler enters a new stage of life. This stage is the beginning of a metamorphosis from which will emerge a newly minted, and hopefully well-prepared adult! You can help this process by shifting your role from manager to mentor. A manager tells someone how to solve a problem, while a mentor provides guidance and support. This shift happens slowly, over time, with gradual changes that depend on your teen’s responses and capabilities. You will need to make changes in your behavior that allow your teen to earn increasing levels of freedom and responsibility.

What Parents Need to Know: Get Set!

Your new parenting style enables you to help your teenager obtain the three things that teens need most: love, boundaries, and power. You don’t become less affectionate with your new approach because your teen will always need to know that your love is unconditional! However, you will have to learn to show your affection in different ways, some of which are probably not-so-public ways. You may save the hug for at home, rather than give your teen a big hug outside the middle school. Your rules and boundaries will change as your middle schooler develops and has more responsibility, but your consistency in holding firm on the agreed upon rules shouldn’t change. Your teen needs to be absolutely clear on your rules and expectations, as well as the consequences for rule infractions. Your son or daughter also needs increasing opportunities to make choices and accept the consequences of those choices. This will help him gain a sense of power over his destiny. This change in your approach shouldn’t happen overnight, but should be a gradual shift.

You have a key role to play in your teenager’s use of technology. Parents who are currently texting and using social networks find it much easier to understand the attraction, recognize the issues involved, and provide the appropriate guidance. Parents who are not knowledgeable in these areas may provide a serious disservice to teens. As we have discussed, middle schoolers are very social beings. Just as they need your guidance to understand appropriate social behavior with their peer group, they need your help to understand appropriate social behavior with technology. This will require you to set up restrictions and teach them appropriate online interactions. This becomes even more important as new technologies are increasingly used for social interactions. Jurisdiction for schools and parents is unclear and currently being debated in communities and courtrooms across the country. As parents, you can’t wait for others to teach your child about appropriate online behavior. The world is changing too quickly and the stakes are high. Step up and proactively teach and monitor your teenagers’ technology-based behavior. This will help to ensure it is appropriate and positive in nature.

What Parents Can Do: Go!

• Focus on providing guidance and support, but refrain from making decisions or fixing problems for your middle schooler.
• Allow your teen to accept the consequences for choices and decisions within reason. Staying tuned in to what is going on will give you the opportunity to step in before the consequences are too serious. You will need to make some judgment calls on this.
• You are likely to receive contradictory signals about your teen’s needs, desires, relationships, and interest in being with you. Be the steady one and the calming influence. Try not to let the hurt feelings spoil your relationship or interactions.

Summary

Parenting teenagers is a great balancing act, and you won’t always be sure what the right decision is every time. You will have to feel your way and make choices based on your values, your young teen’s level of maturity, and the situations you face. The Assessment Tool and Guide we provide will be helpful as you manage your way through unforeseen circumstances. One of the most important steps you can take as a parent is to make informed, thoughtful decisions, and to have confidence in your role as parent. Don’t pull back from your teen’s life too much because you have an important role to play. As a mentor, your goal is to gently and gradually guide your teen to make more decisions. Bringing your love and best intentions to the process will set a great example and keep open communication between you and your young teen.