Communication
What Parents Can Expect: On Your Mark!
Todd, Nancy’s son, has morphed from being a communicative and outgoing young man to one who is rather secretive and doesn’t want to let his mom know much about his life. Communicating with your teen can become a real challenge. Some teens become more secretive and many prefer to share their struggles and feelings with their peers rather than their parents. While this is an expression of their desire for independence, parents still need to know what is going on in their teen’s life. You will need to change the communication tactics you use in order to provide the beneficial guidance, boundaries and support your teen needs to flourish.
It is also helpful to focus more on connection than on communication. When you are connected with your teenager you are sharing an experience, an activity, or simply a sense of comfort in one another’s presence. These shared experiences add to the foundation of your relationship, providing a space for you and your teen to learn about and enjoy one another. It is during these times of connectedness that you are creating the conditions under which communication can occur. Connection is a necessary prerequisite for good communication.
What Parents Need to Know: Get Set!
Listening is a vital skill and the key to communication with your teen. Communication with middle schoolers becomes less about what you say, and more about how you can respond to your teens’ feelings and comments. The more you focus on listening and creating a safe space for your teen to speak without being judged, the more your teen will share. Refrain from giving advice as much as you can. It can be much more effective to ask open-ended questions that help teens come up with their own answers. Questions like, “What do you think you want to do?” and “What seems to work best with that teacher?” can create opportunities for your child to problem-solve. This approach also gives you a chance to provide the kind of gentle guidance that is more likely to be well received by your teen.
Negotiation with teens is perfectly appropriate. Some give-and-take allows your middle schooler to express him or herself, and practice making good decisions. Incorporating negotiation as a communication tactic gives you information about your teen’s values and level of maturity, while also giving you the chance to demonstrate your respect for new opinions and feelings. Being respectful to your teen when negotiating the small decisions will help you maintain the necessary relationship, and open communication, to manage your way through the big issues.
Be careful not to jump in and solve your teen’s problems. While there certainly are times when parents should intervene, it is usually best when the problem-solving approach is initiated from your teenager. This may require a substantial behavior change on your part, and it is a vitally important skill to learn. Parents who deprive their children from experiencing disappointment, pain, and failure run the risk of raising fragile, spoiled, and inflexible adults.
If you have a child like Todd, who is making communication difficult, you need to get creative and develop your indirect communication techniques. Go out of your way to know the other people involved in his life. It is your responsibility to do so. Know his coaches, teachers, friends and friends’ parents. Be a positive presence by developing your own relationships with these people, in a way that doesn’t intrude on your teen’s relationships. Gathering information about your teen’s world will help you develop a broader view of his or her interests, issues, values and persona. By doing this, you will also be much more equipped to know if you should intervene and who can help, should problems arise.
What Parents Can Do: Go!
- Become more aware of your teenager’s body language. Body language communicates more than both words and tone of voice.
- Encourage your teen to invite friends to your home. Get to know his or her friends, listen and talk with them to develop a broader sense of your own teenager.
- Get to know your teen’s friends’ parents. You may need to work harder to develop these relationships, but knowing the people in your teen’s social network plays a role in keeping your teen safe.
- Provide supervision. Middle schoolers in groups should not be left alone in your home or in others’ homes.
- Know where, and with whom, your teen is spending time. Talk to parents when dropping them off at a friend’s home, and verify the level of supervision at that home.
- Identify and articulate the rules that are non-negotiable and be willing to open discussion on everything else.
- Listen with respect to what your teen has to say. This builds a sense of mutual respect in your home.
- Communicate in ways that are comfortable to your teen. The car can be a comfortable place to have some sensitive conversations because minimal eye contact makes it feel less intrusive to your teen.
- Focus on both the words and the feeling underlying what your teen says. The most important part of the communication takes place at the non-verbal level. Tune in carefully to what your teen is feeling.