Family Dynamics

What Parents Can Expect: On Your Mark!

Family dynamics will be impacted by all the changes your teen experiences in middle school. As we have discussed in Part I, these changes in behavior are related to your teenager’s natural developmental process, a process over which you will have limited control. Focus on what you can control: your home environment, your responses, and the guidance and boundaries you provide.

During this highly social time, most teens are both very interested in, and ready to expand their social circles. As we have discussed, this new focus on friends is a fundamental part of the middle school experience that coincides with a pulling away from parents. While some parents may feel hurt and less important to their teen, developing valued friendships outside the family unit can actually be viewed as a positive developmental step. Undoubtedly, your role changes as you help your child prepare for their increased independence. Keep in mind that family time remains important and valued by your teen, despite their apparent resistance to it at times.

Your teen’s mood swings can also have an impact on family dynamics. This moodiness can be explained by the dramatic physical, hormonal and developmental changes occurring in your teen. As challenging as it may be, step back and remember that these mood swings are a natural part of being a teenager. This can help you keep your own emotions from escalating situations.

What Parents Need to Know: Get Set!

Parents are the key to determining the atmosphere in your home. As your teen matures, you may have to try a little harder to maintain the kind of communication, climate, and family tone that you value. It is vitally important to do this because family relationships are one of the biggest things keeping your teen grounded and feeling secure. Never doubt that you are a strong and important presence in your child’s life! In our busy culture, it may be necessary to plan family time each week, especially as your teen becomes more involved in activities.

Rituals are important. Many parents find cherished bedtime rituals changing by the time their teens are in middle school. Renegotiate these one-on-one times before you abandon them entirely. Try something like, “Okay, if you don’t want me to put you to bed every night, then let me put you to bed four nights a week.” Having a consistent time for your teen to talk to you can make sharing and bringing up tough issues less uncomfortable. Being accessible creates the opportunity for your teen to open up, ask questions, share feelings, issues, or concerns, and communicate that they love you. Sometimes, your teen may simply ask you for a back rub, or fall asleep. Still, this time together can be seen as a positive family interaction that contributes to a healthy relationship.

Find, or create, common areas of interest. It is important that you have fun together as a family. You may need to get creative to discover such activities with teenagers, but this is an effort well worth your while! Family vacation can be a valuable time with cousins, grandparents, and extended family. While this family time is important, don’t forget to allow your teen to have time with friends. Finding a good balance of time with family and friends should be your overall goal.

If your teen starts pushing you away or indicating that your opinion doesn’t matter as much as it used to, try not to allow your hurt feelings to get in the way of your relationship. The fact of the matter is that this isn’t about you. Instead, this is about your teenager developing self-confidence, independence, and a stronger sense of who she or he is as an individual. This it is a vital part of becoming an adult and a process that will consume your teen throughout middle school and beyond, redefining your relationship over time. While these changes can be difficult on a parent, it is helpful to keep the end goal in mind: to raise a mature, responsible, and independent young adult. Don’t doubt that you have a vital role to play in helping your teen get there.

What Parents Can Do: Go!

• Have family dinners regularly, or as often as you can. Find other ways to spend consistent time together when schedules do not allow for this.
• Develop a weekly ritual with each child individually. Whether it is breakfast out, or a weekly tennis game, your teen should not have to work hard to find opportunities to talk with you about sensitive topics.
• Help your teen find a healthy balance between spending time with friends and family.
• Build on your teen’s strengths. While it is appropriate to coach and guide your teen to address shortcomings, you don’t want your teen to feel put down or overly judged by you.
• Keep your home a safe haven for your teen. Home should be a place for recharging batteries, gaining confidence, and feeling renewed.
• Give teens all the responsibility they can handle. This helps them stay grounded, feel important, gain skills, and build self-esteem.
• Encourage alone time when your teen is too moody. Spending time away from computers and other outside communication can create the necessary space for the situation to smooth out and your teen to calm down.
• Be reasonably flexible around their natural mood swings, but don’t allow unacceptable behavior.