Your Changing Child

Meet Adam: “I am 13 years old and have been ‘going with’ my girlfriend, Amanda, for three months. She is so amazing! I really LOVE holding her hand and talking to her about life. She just seems to ‘get me’ and that is such a good feeling. The only problem is that my mom thinks we are getting too serious. It is not a big deal...lots of my friends have girlfriends. Why can’t they just accept that I am getting older?"

Meet Adam’s Mom: “My son looks a lot older than other kids his age. He is constantly on the phone with his girlfriend and the other night I heard him say: “I LOVE YOU!” I don’t know how I feel about him being so into his girlfriend at such an early age. He spends less time with the family. Worse yet, even when he is physically with the family, it feels like he is not really present. I just don’t know how to feel! Every time I try to talk to him about it, he gets defensive. Is this normal?

Regardless of whether or not your middle schooler embarks on a new relationship like Adam has, you are likely to face challenges that make you wonder, “Where did my child go?!?” This happens because your middle school teen is experiencing a flood of changes. Developmentally, this is the beginning of a long process in which the middle school student grows physically, learns to make tough decisions and solve problems, develops friendships, experiments with relationships, and internalizes and takes ownership for their values and belief systems. In each of these areas, developing teens are trying new things so that they can learn about themselves. It is normal for you and your middle schooler to have different perspectives. It is also normal for both of you to feel a range of emotions as you try to understand the transformation that middle school brings. While they are changing dramatically, they still possess the important beliefs and values you have worked so hard to instill. Just as buildings under construction need scaffolding to hold them up until they can stand on their own, teens need structure and support to develop into responsible and competent people who can stand on their own. One of the most challenging tasks of raising a middle schooler is facing the unavoidable fact that your teen is growing up and changing significantly. As parents, we must listen, watch, experience, and share in these changes. It becomes our job to slowly remove the scaffolding, always being ready to hold it back up when they need us.

Because the middle schooler is at the beginning of what will be a major transformation, parents often witness inconsistencies and contradictions in their growing teen’s choices and behaviors. This is often missed by teens because they are so focused on themselves. What do these contradictions look like? Picture the boy who has developed the physical characteristics of an adult, but still likes playing hide-and-seek with his friends. Think of the girl who says she is adamantly against stealing, but gets caught taking a candy bar from the gas station. When her mom asks her, “What were you thinking?” she replies, “I don’t know, I guess I wasn’t.” Consider the boy whose emotions shift from laughter to tears, excitement to worry, and understanding to hurt feelings. Finally, think of the girl who says she wants to get actively involved in the upcoming elections, even though she grunts and changes the station any time politics are on the radio or television. Lack of consistency is the name of the game in middle school, as your young teen wavers between childhood and maturity. Changes will occur at different times and in different combinations for every teen. So, don’t be surprised if your child is both physically mature and emotionally immature, or has advanced thinking and problem solving skills, but doesn’t pick up on their friends’ social cues. Let’s take a closer look at three of the major ways in which your growing teen will change: physical development, changes in thinking, and social-emotional changes.